Bollywood, the fantasy world!

Many of us have grown up watching Bollywood movies and also believing that everything that they show is true. Some things come true and some not.

Don’t let the world of fantasy take the practicality out of your life! It is indeed funny that most of us, being in younger age, believe all those happy feelings will stay for life long. At times it affects our relationships as things happen to the contrary of our thinking.

It is best to embrace life as it comes and not live in your fantasy world!

I thought I will always hang out with those four best friends I had in school.

But they went their different ways soon after.

I thought I will always have my friendships intact and always nurturing.

But all along, I gave them up and made new ones.

I thought I will find my dream guy in college and live with him happily ever after

But soon, he told me that I am not who he is looking for.

I thought people will talk about my flawless love life

But people did have their apprehensions after all my fights and cries.

I thought I will go on vacations or parties every weekend

But later, I myself never wanted to be a part of them.

I thought I will land up in the best company to work in.

But the best company never gave me the chance to show my mettle.

I thought I will always work hard and climb the ladder of success

But soon I realized that I never wanted to work there.

I thought my spouse will bring a rose every anniversary of month.

But we know deadlines are important than anniversaries.

I thought my days will start with a kiss and end with a kiss

But aren’t we tired so much for that?

I thought my partner will leave all work and come when I demand

But soon I realized the nonsensical part of it.

I thought my parents will shout at the choice of my partner

But I was amazed to see them welcome him with open arms.

I thought my friends will stand by me always

But they were nowhere to be seen in the vicinity

I thought the life will be all riches and luxuries

But I soon got drowned in debts and loans from friends and banks.

I thought my father will cuddle my cheeks when I go out to work

But he always left for his work in a hurry.

I thought of meeting my friends and singing songs all night

But I myself stopped taking those invitations.

I thought of dancing and swimming all my life.

But I realized taking care of home is equally important.

I thought the touch of a man will impregnate me

But even the kisses failed to reach my heart at times.

I thought I will get all pleasures of life.

But I soon realized you have to even give to feel love.

Are Muslims stranded in a deadlock?

I have read very little about the problems faced by the Muslim community in India and outside. But yes, no doubt it it one of the most talked about community because the surrounding agenda of Islamist, radicalisation.

While reading I came across an article saying- 'deradicalisation'. And believe me, I felt good for the humanity. It talked about a lot of measures taken -
1. To stop youngsters to join IS in Syria.
2. To help them with education and jobs in the European nations.
3. Canadian president welcomed refugees wholeheartedly.

As i was reading it I felt great that nations and in general small communities have come ahead to break the deadlock that the Muslim community is stranded in.

I have no appropriate knowledge of talking about who and why this was started. Nobody wants wars! Nobody becomes a terrorist or a naxalite or an insurgent by choice. I do believe that the reasons are far more deeper than we can anticipate.
But the point is, with time the whole community gets engrossed in it and people are mostly brainwashed on religious or some other extremist terms. However, mostly the problems starts with personal agendas and not religion.

As in India's partition,  everything would have started when one Muslim person had belittled one Hindu or vice versa for some minuscule reason or the agendas raised by political parties. Wasn't it a personal issue to start with? Often, people do feel the lack of involvement of government for their issues which has been a case at many places.I believe that this has been a case in many places. But couldn't we deal with it with proper norms or raise our voices according to the rights given to us by constitution? But the problems of ten people becomes the problems for their whole society! And it is justified. because we do want to stand for our own people.
 But with time, slowly and gradually, it engrosses the whole community. And with time, nobody knows what we are fighting for. They take a religious turn at times and we often forget the real issue.The grim part is that these problems are used and often started by political parties to belittle the other party and gets power to rule.

Otherwise, you and me are happy are celebrating both Diwali and Ramzan.

The sad part is that a Muslim is stranded in deadlock situation now.

Why?

People are apprehensive to give them jobs and other opportunities because of the current situation around Syria and there are often harsh situations and ridiculous checking they are treated with.
Because of this on going mistreatment to them they are often driven to the path of IS to fight for their rights.

This almost serves as a deadlock to them.

We have to come out. Not just Muslims. But 'WE'. To understand and tell each other that we have always respected each other's beliefs and faiths. Don't let the political parties and extremist groups take out that faith in each other out of our hearts and start developing one big peaceful world where things can co-exist. We know things have never been equal and amiable. And we have to raise our voices.

Lean in your dreams, girls!

Why are we always being told as to what to do? The phrase ‘We always need a man’ is correct? Why it gets hard for us to move the success ladder despite same amount of work?

I don’t know how many of you have faced this in real life and at what intensity. But we cannot ignore the fact that

                “Girls have ambitions, but it is difficult to convert that into leadership”

So, this hasn’t started today or few decades back. It started from that point of time when the society told us how to behave and how to deal with people. Since millenniums people have guided our fingers and told us what to take and what to drop. It’s not that something is wrong with us or the world. The world has just being conditioned into this way where they have a window of perceiving ‘the ideal polite and soft spoken woman’. And leadership cannot be always soft spoken and according to terms of society.

We know we are being judged at our every action. We have social responsibilities. We know the guilt of not adhering to the society. The data shows the same thing. Only 4% in Fortune 500 CEOs are woman. We need to lean in girls! Stop waiting for men or society to listen to your problems and give us the path full of flowers. Lean in yourself!

When a girl tries to lead she is termed as bossy. Because she goes opposite to what the society think a girl should behave like. Girls are so bogged down by the “defined manners” that it becomes difficult for them to take the leadership role. The relationship between success and likeability is always inverse for a woman, unlike man. Even at the lowest level of society, a friend’s mother will dislike you for being too successful and not adhering to social norms. Who gives us credit for putting our soul into work? Who gives us credibility to work tirelessly? Who appreciates us for making dream into reality? Not Society! Because society thinks this is not our job! And who likes to be hated? But when you climb that ladder, a similar hate ladder increases. When the number of 4% will reach to 40%, this ladder will surely come down.  This fear of being hated takes us down. But, it’s time to come out and contribute to this 40%. Lean in, girls! Don’t let the world define you.

We have always seen males ruling everything. So, when we see ourselves on this path of success, we think this is just a transient moment or a fraud moment. That’s called an imposter syndrome. We are so not accustomed to win the world, that when we go towards it we feel the heat of wrong and fraudulent.

Basically, there are two types of conflicts that affect a woman’s life. The inner conflicts with their own mind and the external conflicts that deal with society.

1. External conflicts- It’s much easier to explain. The boundaries for girls, the appropriate dress code, the ideal age of marriage, less earning than husband, dowry, the correct way of talking, looking pretty always and the list never ends for the 'Rules to be followed by woman'. Believe me, they are not written on the walls of any household, but I have experienced myself; If in a marriage a girl doesn't dress up to the mark, she is often treated insolently. On the other hand, 'men will be men'. They are thought to be so busy with the bread winning of household that they would always forget to shave their beards for months. And girls are thought to be so free that they supposed to wear all that is available in their dressing room drawer.

2. Inner conflicts- This is hard to explain. Why? Because it deals with how we feel. Can a guy experience the pain we have in periods or the pain we have during delivery of a child. The same way! Years and years of dialogues and talk engross upon girls the 'imposter syndrome' which is a subtle way of saying 'I cannot make it big',

 Become a teacher, or how will you handle your household.

Already 26, start looking for a guy.

Doing MBA, don't earn more than your husband.

Your husband also an MBA, you should probably drop that line as conflicts can arise.

Oh, you are girl. don't get into finance, try something in arts.

Don't be so demanding in your in-laws house.

Why you are wearing a skirt, wear once you are married.

You can wear whatever your husband is comfortable with.

All these conflicts affect a woman as that is a normal upbringing for any girl. These are not forced but are a part of every woman’s lifestyle. They are done so often that they get deeply ingrained in us.

A beautiful quote as:

“Almost all my life,

Restricted and Bonded!

Sometimes by family, sometimes by peers.

Sometimes by clothes, sometimes by choices.

I came here to learn, to enlighten,

I know what is right,

What is wrong,

I came here to make my choice of time,

Not to be locked in cage!”

Believe in yourself girls. Stand up for what you are. Take more time if you need. But don’t follow what the society has developed called as “rules”. Lean in, girls! Sit at the table, make your decisions, negotiate them and let the world know.

At times, doing good work is not enough. Take the risks you want, choose your own growth, challenge yourself, and ask for promotions. There is no harm in reaching out to anyone for mentorship. Drop the veil of ‘superwoman’, go out and ask for help if you need! Let anybody be your mentor- your friend, your male/female boss, your husband. Don’t show the world you were born a superwoman. Let the world know, we are COMMON girls and we take our own time to reach that cliff.

How many girls are comfortable being told that they are fat? I would say that’s a very small number! It’s time we seek the truth, no matter what. What good can compliments bring to us? On the other hand, criticism opens in front us a whole world of ours to change and nurture! Don’t be afraid to seek the truth. Lean in for the truth, girls!

Just to add at end, we need to shed off our ‘superwoman’ tag. It brings us more harm with the delusion that we can do it all. We need to stop dictating our terms at home so that males can come in. There is no happiness in doing it all and then feeling guilty of not spending time with your mother. It really isn’t worth it.

Life is about balance. Between work and life.  Between male and female. All around the world I see males supporting their wives, sisters and mothers. It’s our time to shed our apprehensions, stop thinking too much about society and lean in your dreams!

When your principle starts to make you feel weak!

One of the person I have always admired in my life is my father. He taught me to work hard and gave me the freedom to chose my career path. He supported all the decisions i took in my life. With him in my journey, I imbibed a lot of principles he used to share with me.

There are two things he always told me, which now have contradictory effect on me. Individually, I don't think they are incorrect but they get on my nerves when i combine them.
1. Invest zero time in the things that doesn't matter in your life.
2. It is very important to stand for things you believe in and speak up.

So basically what happens is that people around me do get into a lot of frivolous talks and debates. I tend to refrain from getting into them, following the rule no 1.
But after that, it gives me a feeling of being weak. That there was a discussion going on and i couldn't point forth my points and convince other people. Sometimes, I push myself to get up and say my points and then defend them. If I don't do, i feel-
Am i not smart enough?
Am i not confident enough in life to put forth my points?
Do i fear people will judge me if i go against them?
Am i scared of heated arguments?

I shared this feeling with a close friend of mine and he advised me to do an "Importance Analysis" of things. To indulge and defend only if they are important enough. Otherwise, it is not worth your time and peace of mind.

But what about the feeling weak?
Even if the topic is frivolous, I might have a point for or against it.

What i have analysed is that I am a sort of person who likes to talk and discuss and argument on things. Most Librans are. It doesn't mean we love fighting. It doesn't mean that we don't respect another's opinion. But we have this innate feeling of talking and discussing about a lot of things. We like to understand the other's point of view. We like the fact that it pushes us to think about things from different perspectives.
I like that sometimes I win and sometimes I lose. Because the world is different and people have different views.

Your principles might be correct but they should be suitable to your innate nature as well.
I think, from today on, I will try to put my points in a very subtle way whenever I have without thinking about what others might feel or say. As Malcolm Gladwell said in his book, "The Tipping Point", how you say things are much more important than the things you say.

Going forward, I would always try to put forth my points in a subtle way, defend them when i think that i am right and learn from them when i think i am wrong.

Shagun

Always remember the four square theory

This is the post where I tell my shortcomings (don't i do that too often. May be i should get lighter on me!). So, I had invented this 4 Square theory. See your palm, draw a square. At every corner, there are different entities.

You
Your family
Your spouse
Your society.

What I believe is that if we can all of them separated, we will lead a happy life. Not, that you are not going to be concerned but don't overlap or mix them. Each have their own priority and own time in your life.
For example- Don't mix your spouse and yourself. This will ultimately lead to your huge dependency on him, he will start taking you for granted since you will be available to him 24*7. So, YOU is YOU. Don't mingle your priorities with him. Give him his own space. Don't let your career go haywire because of your spouse. Don't let your dreams die because of society.

This goes without saying that this is a theory and is not applicable 100% in life. But as a principle, take your spouse, your family and your society as different entities in life. Don't mix them up. Especially don't mix them up with YOU that it leads to the death of you.

I know it sounds tricky. But lets try to implement it. Do what you want to do it and at that time don't let the other three squares interfere in your life.

So if you are spending time with your family, don't let your societal pressure ruin your quality time. Keep them separate!
If you are following your dream, don't let the ambitions of your spouse lead to the death of their dreams.
If you are with your friends, don't let the responsibilities of home take a toll on your anyhow-very-less-time-with-friends.

Whatever you do, give your 100%. Involve with people, Enjoy your life with them!

Be Happy!

Shagun 

Surrounded yet aloof!

Almost at the end of my sojourn in Paris, the most beautiful city, surrounded by my college mates and newly made acquaintances from all over the European continent.
More friends spread across the different countries. Boyfriend just few miles away.
Yet the feel of aloofness. The feel of loneliness.

Why?
Because you do stuff how Parisians do. You like it once but after that it doesn't give you the same satisfaction. It doesn't become your way of life. You experience it, you like it. Period. You still want to go back to your way of your life.
Crepes or Waffles will never give you feel of the sweet rasgula and ras malai. Acquaintances are fun to be with. But they won't give you the contentment of a late night party with your close friends. College mates might give you a laugh or two but not the hearty laugh that you have with your family. You will eat food but not feel the warmth of your mother's love. You will pull leg of each other but not get concerned like you do for your brother. You will discuss stuff but only your best friend in India will come to your aid. You will like the pubs and the early morning parties but deep inside you would want to be surrounded with someone speaking your own language with paneer tikka and desi jokes. The beautiful streets cannot make you forget the voice of hawkers. You dance on their rock and jazz but miss the profound feel of the thumka. You will come back but still have that home sick feel.

After all, their is no substitute to family and friends and your own country.

Shagun