You want to know why ?

I am often faced with these words or situations where people ask me , why I write so negative and dark, why am I dealing with pessimistic vibes around me and why don't I take life in a more happy and carefree sense.

Well! I am a cheerful person but I do get serious with things where people are oppressed because of their inner conflicts with their own mind and the external conflicts that deal with society.

1. External conflicts- Its much more easy to explain. The boundaries for girls, the appropriate dress code, the ideal age of marriage, less earning than husband, dowry, the correct way of talking, looking pretty always and the list never ends for the 'Rules to be followed by woman'. Believe me, they are not written on the walls of any household, but I have experienced myself; If in a marriage a girl doesn't dress up to the mark, she is often treated insolently. On the other hand, 'men will be men'. They are thought to be so busy with the bread winning of household that they would always forget to shave their beards for months. And girls are thought to be so free that they suppose to wear all that is available in their dressing room drawer.

2. Inner conflicts- This is hard to explain. Why? Because it deals with how we feel. Can a guy experience the pain we have in periods or the pain we have during delivery of a child. The same way! Years and years of dialogues and talk engross upon girls the 'imposter syndrome' which is a subtle way of saying 'I cannot make it big', Become a teacher,or how will you handle your household.
Already 26, start looking for a guy.
Doing MBA, don't earn more than your husband.
Your husband also an MBA, you should probably drop that line as conflicts can arise.
Oh, you are girl. don't get into finance, try something in arts.
Don't be so demanding in your in-laws house.
Why you are wearing a skirt, wear once you are married.
You can wear whatever your husband is comfortable with.

Enough of this shit to make the world understand, that it is my life and not my husband's or my family's. What do you think happens with us every-time we listen a 'not-so-biased-yet-against-us' dialogue!

Let me quote this also- it is not only society who suppresses us, but also our mediocre attempts to get out of it! It might not be in every household, but that number is less than 0.5%.

All this seriousness, dawns upon me to write something meaningful and serious which might help me and a few other people to realise that we are of stronger mettle than you think!

Shagun

October Visits- Abhyudhya

October visits!

Four visits of October were planned on similar lines. It was a mix of confidence building through a movie, a confidence building exercise, a little bit of math and IQ challenge and ethnography study.

With Prachi and her mother

·        Bhaag Milkha Bhaag- This movie was covered in four sessions because the length was little huge. This movie was chosen because it deals with issues like hard work, perseverance, working in competition and making hard choices. The session used to start with half an hour or 45 minutes of movie and then around ten minutes of talk regarding what she understood and how we should make decisions. She would generally start by telling what she learnt. After that, I would ask her questions related to her real life and ask her how she had implanted this in her real life. I would also give her some situations and ask how she would react or deal these situations. All the four visits were done in this manner only.

·        Three Person activity- Prachi is still following the three persons activity where she has to ask three people daily some random questions. After discussing with her about this exercise, she admitted that now she feels a little less shy. She feels conscious when she has to approach people and ask random questions. But the regular exercise has made her a little more comfortable in this situation.

·        IQ building up- This was a new activity taken up by both of us. I started bringing maths challenges and sudoku games which we used to do separately. She was very happy while doing Sudoku because that was something she didn’t know and it was fun for her. We did this in all four sessions and enjoyed it.

·        Ethnography visit- In the last session, we devoted half an hour for ethnography project. Fortunately, her parents and her sister was also parents. I sat with all of them and asked various questions. Particularly, I asked her father all about investments, trade, business nearby, savings et al. To her mother I asked about what are generally the profession of ladies in her area and any problems of gender diversity. With Prachi and her sister, I talked more about demography, education, gender problems, and caste problems, about their schools, tuition and college. Health issues were also discussed and we went to a local clinic as well. On our way, we saw local shopkeepers and discussed more about their hygiene and shopping habits. We discussed about the large dump that is lying outside their chawl. About the problems they faced due to this.

Dustbins right outside chawl!

Entrance of chawl

Kyuki Daag Ache hai- Abhyudhya!

Kuyki Daag Ache hai- The Wonders of Painting together!

It was different. It was enlightening. It was togetherness. It was getting your hands dirty. And as it is said, “Kyuki Daag ache hote hai”, the whole feeling of working together certainly made us closer.

Starting from the dome where we met many sitaras, we could gauge the enthusiasm in them for this weekend. Pygmalion effect happened on us. Seeing their energy infused in us the craziness of going back to our ‘bachpan ke din’. I met a lot of sitaras. They were excited and they told how they had made portraits of their friends over the course of their workshop day. And believe me, I was not there but I could see that they had enjoyed every bit of it. Congratulations to Abhyudhya team!

We finally went to the barracks and started our portrait. I let Prachi lead it and I took a back seat and observed how she pulls through it. She started with her portrait and drew neatly. Occasionally, she would ask me for suggestions and advice. At that moment I used to jump in and we used to draw together. I did the same thing, of asking for her suggestions and advice when I was drawing. After that we decided our colors and got it.

Here I tried two things-

1.       I let her mix and match colors to bring the creativity out. I let her choose colors which were not conventional. Like, our portrait has a guy with green colors.

2.       The sitara next to us was constantly asking for help and I let Prachi helped her. This would enhance her confidence also and the feeling of caring and sharing will be inculcated.

We colored our portrait, played some games, danced and our day ended happily.

For next day, we started as usual. With coloring and outlining. Here I tried a new thing- of painting the whole wall to the side of us. This I did to inculcate a feeling of team work. I also encouraged the sitara next to us and other sitaras in our group to come together and paint the remainder portion of the wall.

This was again followed by games, chatting and dancing. In all, it was a nice ice breaking session and we had good fun with each other. In the due course, we came to know about each other’s strengths and weakness which helped us to have a more profound relationship.

Another Attempt

How many attempts have I made to write diary daily but the habit starts and ends in sometime. Isn't it the problem of my life? I start doing things and then get bore with them and stop it. I am influenced by other people by observing what they do, what they think and my thinking and actions are aligned according to it. I am moody. Sometimes I feel like I like to be alone, sometimes i feel i am a 'people's person'. I am a confused person. I will be very happy the day i will get the ability to decipher what I WANT. I can do many things and hence i am confused so many times. It's just not about things, it is in relartionships as well.

One such pain i feel, when i see an old friend 'ABC' (anonymous). So, we began talking. She was very quiet and hardly discuss anything with anyone. A very very opposite to what i am. Totally against booze, short exposing clothes, vulgar language and physical intimacies.I started hanging around with her. There were times i used to get bored and irritated by the amount of monologue we had. We used to go to plays, have dinner but the feeling of friendship never sink in for me. Despite with her, i always felt a need of a good friend. She was alone, aloof from the world. Nobody talks to her and she talked to nobody. For her, her family was the only thing.

There were fundamental problems that we had, but I (we, i am not sure) continued:

1. We were very different. At times I had to explain myself to her that things like booze and all are not so grave. Go out and experience the world and then make your judgement about right and wrong. Plainly, sitting in your room and watching movies and then making judgements about thing is ludicrious. The feeling to expalin myself to her judgements really irritated me.

2. She thinks she is always right. Because of this there have been times when she had been very insolent to me.

3. I was always with her, thinking that someday this friendship will be beautiful. After all, you are giving so much time, taking care of the other person. What else does she want?

4. There was hardly a tincture of care from her side. Whether I have an interview, i have cold or fever, she hardly cared. I still continued that people will change.

But at last, the time had come, where i could take no more. I understood that we cannot become friends in our lives. We dont feel that affection and love for each other. I called the charts and start maintaining my distance with her. I feel bad now, sometimes, when i see her all alone while studying and eating and whatever. She, as expected, hardly cared about the changing relationship we are having.

First, I think she has herself chosen this life only. She might be content and i wish she is content.
Second, I am more free. I talk to a lot of people to whom i wouldnt talk earlier (She used to sit in the farthest corner of room and hence my interactions were too less).

I feel bad and i feel good for varied reasons. I just wish, that i could have judged this earlier and not plunged into it. It is like that wrong relationship you get into and drag it just to somehow make it work. Along the path, you always know it is not going to work!

I wish in life i could have a better judgemment and i could stick to my plan of things.
Not to attempt things and expect them to change for you!

Shagun

Am I really special?

Am I really special?
I am just mediocre. I am just average. Wandering among the hullabaloo during the sports and cultural fest of SPJIMR, Sprint and Ojas respectively, I could see exalted faces. Some people were winning games, some people were tirelessly working or some people were giving their best to pull off a best show!
What was I doing? A minuscule, average contribution in the creative and website team. Winning swimming competition which was challenging but not very competitive. That’s all I could gather to do ?
Where was I? Why I am average in all I do? Studies, games, writing, reading or whatever! Mediocrity is what engulfs my life.
When I talk about painting, people will be making sandcastles. When I’ll be thinking about winning backstroke, people would have won everything they could possibly take part in. When I think of reading as much as I can, there will be people who have already read thousands of books more than I possibly had. When I think of studying earlier, the people will still fetch higher marks!
What! What! What!
 I often give my best, but there are people who give more than that. I know I am being at too many places that possibly put me down.
I need to find that one arena where I can be pro! And I can be that number one, at least for a while!
What is that arena?

World isn't so complex!

I say to myself, this morning,

World isn't so complex.

If we find music in the languages of other

If we could rejoice in the festivals of all

If we relish the taste of an unknown dish

If we understand that he is different from me

If we travel and find the ruins as great architecture

If we find hues in the dark colour of people

If we could find grace in the opinions of others
if we find the other side of smile

If we find beauty in masculinity and power in feminism

If we love the smell of rain and mud

If we learn from the other

If we smile welcoming a new day

If we ignore the nuances of caste and love the being

If we respect the choices of others

If we stop deciphering the epics we have and cherish them

If we stop the race and let all be one

If we feel pleasure when others smile

If we feel bliss when we give away

If we just let things be the way they are

If we stop judging each action of other
If we cease to mark things right and wrong

If we could breathe without the burden of emotions

If we could see all as our loved ones

If we love the dark to embrace the light

If we see world as our family

World isn't so complex.