A bizarre Indian psychology - Deadlock Love!

I was reading a Hindi novel, Nirmala written by a coveted Hindi novelist Munshi Premchand. And it unfolded in front of me a a very bizarre Indian psychology.

So, this girl, Nirmala, is married to man who is double her age and he already have 3 kids. The girl is supposed to provide motherly love and care to his three kids. The husband gets jealous when he feels that his wife is giving them more love than him.  The widow sister of the husband too gets envious that the kids will love Nirmala more than her. And they started igniting the minds of the kids against Nirmala, yet at the same time they want Nirmala to keep providing motherly love and care.

Stop! Stop! Stop!
How is this possible ?
How can you sow the seeds of disgust in people and then also expect them to maintain a relation ?
How can you expect somebody to give love and care when you don't want the relationship to sustain?

This is still prevalent in India! Lets see how.

A mother in law* will always expect her daughter in law to provide to her with love and care. And at the same time leave no taunts to be unspoken.
She will still want her son to love her first, yet want the love between the couple blossom as well.
She will expect the relationship to be full of love, yet leave no stone unturned in maligning the daughter in law.
She will expect the girl to give full respect to the family she has come in, yet will not think twice speaking ill of girl's family.
She will expect the girl to be smart and intelligent, yet she would not want the girl to have opinions on her things!
She will expect the girl to earn money, yet make sure the kitchen always have aromas of fresh food.
She will want the couple to lead life in their ways, yet make sure to show her express her grief in her unabided things.
She will claim to be modern, but will still expect a girl to wear "this" kind of clothes.
And it is deadlock that is being created, where you want the other to give love but you are not ready to give it back. I call it "Deadlock Love"

Lady, you cannot expect actions of taunts, disrespect and control to blossom love in your family.
One of the core reasons Indian kids have started moving out of their families is the'r parents' belief of controlling their lives. They still think that they need to lead it. they need to control how things happen in households. They still think they need to tell their kids what is right and what is wrong. They believe the kids "owe" it to them.

Love comes from freedom and truth and not from controlling and giving rules. Love is about understanding the pain and happiness of the other person, and not controlling his actions. And at the end , it is not "your" life. don't command what is not yours.

*I have used an example of mother in law because that is where the most cases i have heard. But this could be anybody in the family - father , brother etc.

Please share your stories where you experienced "Deadlock Love".
  

First step towards Spirituality!

I am so irritated , for i don't find contentment , in anything.
Everything is short lived. One day i need this, another day i need something else.
One day i want to work, next day i feel the frivolous endlessness of corporate life.
One day i just want to read books, but then i cannot survive my life with this?
What to do ? How to find the happiness? The ultimate goal?
Am i looking for happiness or contentment in wrong places?

I think so much , what is life? What is purpose?
And i don't get any answers. Even if i get, i think , what if this is not true.
A monk told me , "Purpose is to find happiness".
A book said, "Detachment gives you most contentment"
Quora said, "Evolution , for we need to survive".

What is correct? Why are we here?
Or may be , we are just here. Do something , and die! Really?May be its that simple.

Then i read Buddhist texts, they talk about compassion and detachment. What if if this is not true?
How to get the answers?

And things are so contradictory-
May be i have too much free time ?
Or, may be i am doing too much , and getting burned out?

But i knew i needed to get the answers. I wanted to find the ultimate happiness, ultimate calmness. And i needed to be practical as well. I can't leave and detach and go to Himalayas. Haven't reached that level.

I decided two things for myself -

1. Happiness
2. Calmness

Lets address one by one.

Happiness
1. Find the things that gives you happiness - reading , writing, travelling, talking to people, dancing and music.
2. Don't try to find happiness in people's responses. Find happiness in your experience. Like - find happiness in writing and not in getting that acknowledged.
3. Embrace people as they are. Don't judge yourself, and don't judge others.

Calmness
1. Don't think too much about it. Wont fetch you anything.
2. Meditate. It helps you control your emotions. It helps you concentrate.
3. Don't work too much. Life is too short to maintain someone's else PnL.
4. Find a mentor. A guru. You know you need it.

Lets take these first steps!

Why work will never be satisfying!

My generation is the generation of ever changing stuff and small attention spans.

New Netflix series every day , new restaurant every month, new songs, new cool techie gadgets, new applications, new phones, travelling to new places every 2 months. This is the generation of wandering minds that want to experience new things every day!

Now, how can you expect us to work - at same times, same place, with same people, and same work.

The ideas I get online - have a positive mindset, build your office nest, drink lots of water, do what you love and blah..

But even with my positive mindset, I just get bored sitting at the same desk for 40 hours a week.

Even with my office nest, I no longer feel like to talk about the same problems - of work and jams.

And what water can do, when even coffee fails!

And my work aligns to my passions, but then I still don’t want to do it every other day.

Bottom line - Anything that is same and follows a strict schedule will become monotonous for my generation.

Rule - Get rid of your schedules.

Going further, I am going to start few experiments on myself - change location (open spaces, café etc), change timings (sometimes morning, sometimes evenings), change how you do work (write instead of excel, ppt) . The idea is not to shun work but to make it different every day for my ever wandering mind!

Let's see if that helps!

How Industrialization broke homes and created me!

Let's imagine a time when industrialization was not present.

Industrialization is termed to have started when steam engines came up which then started automotive, industries and schools for the required skill.

Let's imagine the world without schools, cars and industries.

When people used to learn the skills from their parents of the vocation they used to do. Till that time no schools were needed and a child would depend on his/her father to learn the skill he knew. Hence the bond and respect was something we might have never felt as well. Education is now about the most salary package giver .

When people had no quick modes to reach anywhere they want and hence their near and dear ones , their society was everything for them. The bond was less like neighbors and more like siblings. These days I don’t even know who lives next door.

When people used to do everything for their own people since they knew just a few people and their immediate family was just enough for them. Now, the youngsters today have apprehensions when it comes to marriage and half of them cannot take the burden of their old parents anymore.

When a person used to have time for himself to introspect and time to relax. Not like today when we want to leave the hustle bustle of city to find peace. When I have internet and WhatsApp and Netflix to divert my mind from my problems rather than face them.

When everything in nature was important. Sun and moon were the clocks for man, water and trees were the food for them. Now like today when the news of extinction of animals, cruelty to animals, global warming, meets for climate change always pops up on TV.

When the status of the person was more dependent on how compassionate and helpful he/she is. Not like today when you need to maintain your hashtag lists and iPhone coming in.  

When the work in the family was divided equally. If the person was a cloth weaver, the work would be divided equally among the parents and children. The joint effort made them a strong social unit. Now the male will go industry and does only "his" work. Everybody comes in their shifts and hardly a social unit or joint family effort is created.

When the full nineteenth century was talking about the need of individualism and the freedom of self and we ended up having nuclear families.

This is no discussion about individualism and collectivism.

We know the world is perfect only when everything is in balance. [Too much of anything , whether individualism or collectivism is harmful]

When you and me are at peace. When we are not in rush for work but have a leisure time to have a cup of tea in the morning with your spouse. When we are not in "me" mode and can selflessly help a colleague at work. When we don’t have targets to meet and can have the pleasure to spend a full evening in a social function. When I don’t have to think about my next day work and can sleep off after a good meditation for self.

I firmly believe in my four square theory. See your palm, and see the four corners. That is - Me, My society, My careers and My family. All four squares are important and necessary in life and should be in perfect balance.

Even as Buddhism quotes, the real happiness is "compassion for others and peace for us".

Well, different things work for different people in finding the peace. I hope and wish that everyone in this world find peace at his/her end.

What works for me is on line from the happiest country in the World - "Happiness never decreases by being shared".

Go and find what works for you!

On the other hand, is masculinity freedom?

We raise our voices so much for feminism, equality and freedom for women from the views of society.

I wondered today if, on the other hand, are men free of all the shackles of society?

Few words for them..

The burden on them to always be strong,

When they had to hid all the tears in their eyes.

The burden on them to protect their females,

When they are afraid of the dark themselves.

The burden on them to carry forward the business of family,

When all they wanted was to travel around the world.

The burden on them to take up masculine roles,

When they wanted to paint, and write poems.

The burden on them to be the breadwinner,

When they wanted to stay and cook.

The burden on them pick up the heavy weights,

When even their back is paining.

The burden on them to pamper their wives,

When they themselves needed love.

The burden on them to be self-reliant,

When they wanted an arm to hug them.

The burden on them to be powerful,

When they wanted to be alone and content.

The burden on them to be the hero,

When they were fine with being just common.

The burden to be a male,

When they wanted to be just human and live like they want.

Shagun

​ Red market- the trading of body organs and flesh!

Red market- the trading of body organs and flesh!

Why body parts market is an alruistic market and not a trade market?
1. It started as a trade market but then the human tendency was to look for the cheapest source. People started taking organs from prisoners which was termed as a form of slavery because prisoners had no other option to earn money.
2. It was hence defined as an altruistic market or voluntary donation only. Also, called as exchange of gifts or Blood socialism
3. So, if very few exceptions, all countries selling of blood, body organs is FREE.


Why anonymity is maintained between acceptor and donor?
1. So that the acceptor doesn’t feel indebted to him all his life.
2. To protect the interests of the donor.


Drawback of voluntary donation and anonymity-
1. In the whole supply chain, everybody earns money except for the donor.
2. As more organs become available, doctors keep adding the list of transplant.
3. Anonymity has led to total lack of transparency and black market for organs as tracing of body organs is hardly possible.
4. It has led to just trade of flesh which the middlemen use for their profits. They generally force, kidnap poor people to give up their organs as it cannot be traced back.
5. This has led to things like kidney stealing, bone thieves, human trafficking (or adoption and surrogacy), detrimental health during egg donation.
6. anonymity means people can buy flesh without worrying where it came for. It could be detrimental for both acceptor and donor.

CONCLUSION- The only solution to resolving the red market-
1. Make it transparent so that people can be traced back
2. This will lead to abolition of trade market where middlemen inflict all atrocities on humans to earn profits.

Middlemen open the door to dangerous abuses. The only way to get rid of them is to let the sun shine and expose the whole supply chain from beginning to end. Every blood packet should be traceable, every kidney should be affixed with a name, every surrogate womb find able and every adoption open.


No one will be killed for his kidneys if we are able to track them down, no children will be kidnapped if adoptions are open, no blood sellers will be locked in rooms to create infinitesimal blood supply.


Why this will never end-
1. As innovation keeos happening, doctors keep adding more disesases which could be rectified through organ transplant. Hence, the demand will only keep increasing.
2. As in the oil market, more innovations keep happening in terms of petroleum products and so. Similarly, in the body market.


Some facts

Bones/Skeleton trading-
1. Skulls taken out of graves to be made as flutes
2. Bone factories in WB
3. Bodies sold as anatomical skeletons to american medical schools
4. Bhutanese Buddhism says to understand mortality, we need to spend time contemplating the dead bodies. They use flutes carved out of tibia and femurs and prayer bowls out of crowns of skulls
5. The ligaments are scraped and implanted to some Olympian athlete.
6. Hair on head are used to make wigs.
7. A child skeleton can fetch much more money as it illustrates transitional stages in osteological development.


Kidney Trading-
1. There is a village in TN afflicted with Tsunami. One of their bread earning methods was loss of one kidney. It is termed as 'KidneyVakkam' village.
2. The situation is worse in China. The government harvests the organs of prisoners who are on a death row.
3. They even have a catalog on their website for sale of kidneys, liver , lungs , heart and cornea.
4. Child trafficking in the name of child adoption
5. Children are kidnapped from their houses to be sold in the foreign markets for child adoption,
6. Lighter color, better appearance and good lifestyle can fetch you better amount.


Egg donation
1. While the course of egg donation, girls are often injected with a hormone that causes hyperstimulation syndrome in which follicles become enlarges and produces tomany eggs.
2. In one case, an Israeli doctor took 181 eggs for a donor.


Surrogacy
1. Legalized in India in 2012 to promote medical tourism.
2. Indian women are preferred as they dont drink and smoke.
3. Charges are $15000-$20000 from in-vitro to delivery.
4. The women used as surrogates are made to live in a place where they are not allowed to go out. Television is their only source of entertainment.
5. However, there are no legal authority stating laws and ensuring the whole procedure is safe and legal.


Blood
1. People are taken captive for years and bled of blood. These are called as the blood factories.
2. The prisoners get too weak after the blood loss that they cannot even contemplate an escape.
3. The normal hemoglobin is around 14-18 grams for every 100 mls of blood. These prisoners usually have 4 gms.

Clinical trials
The poor bear the risk of testing drugs but only affluent receive the benefits of it.

Knowledge about body parts.


1. hemophiliac-body disorder where blood doesnt clot properly.


2. Ligaments- the tissue that connects the two nones or cartilages.


3. All muscles are tissues.


4. Cartilages are softer form of bones.


5. Brain aneurysm - A weakness in a blood vessel in the brain that balloons and fills with blood.


6. Regenerative medicine is a branch of translational research in tissue engineering and molecular biology which deals with the "process of replacing, engineering or regenerating human cells, tissues or organs to restore or establish normal function". Like stem cell production






Read


Surrogacy law in India


Stem cell production and it's uses

The best part about writing is how it connects strangers!

A response to any article is the best gift a writer can get on the day he wrote an article! We don’t even mind negative feedback; the feeling that somebody sat and heard our opinions is big enough! A positive feedback is icing on the cake.

Recently I wrote an article on one of the blog sites dealing with B-schools, their admission process , the life inside B-schools and placements of course! I wrote an article about my interview saga for the college I finally chose. I was so delighted to see a person who read the article and wanted to connect with me. We shared somewhat same kind of past experience and have somewhat same kind of aspirations from life in future!

It was heartwarming to connect with him. It is like motionless travelling where you meet so many people and exchange your thoughts!

Also, the feeling of helping somebody in his process of finding his dream college and dream company in itself is a great feeling! As mentioned in a book “Give and Take” by Adam Grant, giving is one of the most pleasurable habits. One of the research says that if you contribute 100 hours og giving in an year, you will be happy throughout the year. And 100 hours per year is just 2 hours per week! Where you help a person and yourself feel appreciated to be able enough to help someone. And I am delighted that the pleasure I get by writing gets double fold after the pursuit of giving.

The feeling that you can connect with so many souls out there through your single piece of writing has made me keener to write more and share as much as I can. I am sure, somewhere in this world, in the population of 7 billion; at least one person will read and reply! And hence a relationship will start J